If you must die, MP Ekanya, die properly

Hallo Mr Ekanya,

How is your neck? I hope you didn’t sustain a dishonorable 80-degree bruise after your attempted suicide.

See, after those saboteurs like Cecilia Ogwal, Ken Lukyamuzi the man, Mama Mabira Beatrice Anywar and others, stood in your way of making history on the floor of the August House, the least you could get away with is a spotless skin. For what is the use of picking pawpaw from the tree when it will come landing hard and wet on your head?

Your constituency Tororo Country surely deserves a district status. We have 112 districts already and Cabinet recently approved 22-new ones. So how could they leave out Tororo County again? Not even a protest by rat-eater in your area in 2005 could move these people.  How heartless!

Then in 2021 they will upgrade villages into districts and still leave your area out. But don’t worry too much, considering how liberal this country becomes every day, applications for individuals to become districts may just be announced. And what a perfect opportunity you’ll have! Geoffrey Ekanya District! See you’re even nodding at the sound of it. Let’s just hope they don’t put stupid requirements like having strong knees to kneel, some real energy to carry cash sacks or being loud-mouthed enough to sing songs to the man in a hat! I doubt they will go that far!

In the meantime, don’t even think about the dishonorable advice from Deputy Speaker of Parliament Jacob Oulanyah that you should go perfect your acting skills at the National Theatre. He can’t understand your pain. How can he, when Cabinet has given a nod to his constituency, Omoro County to become a district?

Look here honorable, I come from Omoro County, in Gulu District, but now with Omoro becoming a district, I’m in a dilemma. What will I tell people? That you see, I used to hail from Gulu but home has since migrated to Omoro District? Confusion just. Does that sound like consolation enough, MP? Does that give you an alternative idea that having a new district may not be the in-thing after all?

Okay, I see you tightening the tie around your neck again, and Anywar is not nearby, so I will not try to persuade you further. But look; we know you are in Opposition, and things can never be easy. Ask Besigye. Even with Ugandans trooping to his rallies and donating money, avocado and bananas to him, they have not upgraded his status to president of Uganda. Three attempts since 2001, zero. Now that he is trying to be president again they can’t even have mercy and make him sole candidate!

But don’t lose hope, Mr Ekanya. Try again. Someone even said you didn’t only attempt suicide but to undress as well. See, you had a proper opportunity to beat the protesting Amuru women to this nudity thing. You could have even become a better hero than the rat-eating Omoding.

You can still do this! Don’t tighten the tie around your neck and look around expectantly for rescuers. We need a proper hero in this country. Surely you know that!

So next time you want to die for an important cause like having a new district, die properly Mr Ekanya. Tororo County and Uganda shall be forever grateful.

Tororo County MP Geoffrey Ekanya. Internet Photo